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Monday, January 30, 2012

Founder of eHarmony’s Advice on Marriage

Like every father, Neil Clark Warren worried about whether each of his three daughters would marry the right guy. But not every father turns that concern into a billion-dollar matchmaking business.

As a clinical psychologist and theologian for nearly 40 years, Warren had counseled thousands of couples who couldn’t get along. He was a front-row witness to what he calls the horror of divorce. Statistics painted a bleak picture for his girls.

“Half the people who get married in America are ending up divorced, and of those who stay together, half say they’re not very happy,” Warren notes. How could he help them beat the odds?

To find out why marriages failed, Warren conducted over 500 “divorce autopsies,” interviewing the former spouses, their children and even their parents. The big surprise was that rifts in the relationship had roots far earlier than expected: “We found that over 70 percent of the couples indicated that they were in pretty deep trouble when they first married.”

Warren wondered how he could help people do a better job at selecting a mate. He decided to administer a series of standard tests to 5,000 married people to assess their compatibility. After a rigorous statistical analysis, he says, “we ended up with 800 really solid subjects. We had 200 people in the very happily married category, 200 who were pretty happy but not totally, 200 who were not very happy at all but not ready to quit, and 200 in the very discouraged group.”

Warren then compared the very happily married people with the very discouraged group and struck gold: The two groups had significantly different answers in 29 categories. He hypothesized that if he could bring together people with similar responses in those categories — which include curiosity, intellect, appearance, sexual passion, sense of humor, anger management, self-perception, spirituality and values — the likelihood they’d find the ideal partner would soar.

In the late 1990s, online dating was in its infancy. “It was almost all men and it was a little sleazy,” Warren says. “But in time, I began to see that was the only way we could put people together in a good way.”

How to Write (and Read) a Love Letter

When writing a love letter, remember: It's not a card. It's a letter.

A long time ago, when I was living in my favorite apartment behind a bamboo patch in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, I wrote my first love letter. It was a liquid hot afternoon, and I was sitting on my screened porch, enjoying my boredom, thinking that I was full up with the very thought of her. I drew a pretty cool heart on a piece of newsprint, rolled that into a manual typewriter, and then pecked out about 15 sentences. I took more than an hour. I had to. I couldn’t edit, and I couldn’t use Wite-Out. It worked too. That woman was happy.

So happy that she stuck it on the door of her refrigerator, where it clung to a magnet-laden collage of birthday cards, Easter cards, thinking-of-you cards. This irked me. “It’s a love letter,” I told her. “It’s only for you. You’re supposed to save it. It’s supposed to be folded up in a book somewhere.” She didn’t get it. She treated it like a card.

When it comes to writing a love letter, remember: It’s not a card. It’s a letter.

First, sit. Letters take time.
Letters have a rhythm. Letters must be written, and writing takes a while. Three lines can’t do the work of three paragraphs. This is not to say your letter must be long. Three paragraphs can do the work of three pages. Just give them some time.

Be loyal to the past you share.
If your love emerged on a kayak trip, then you don’t just mention that experience — you make it. Let the river become your palette. Tell a story that only the two of you know. Or narrate a moment in which she was unaware that you were watching her. Use detail to show what you remember and that you remember.

Let the example precede sentiment.
A good love letter declares itself plainly, then illustrates particularly. “I saw you watching the men play chess in the park. So quiet. I love the way you look at things.” Show her what you love in her before you tell her what you love in her. Show, then tell.

Don’t repeat yourself.
Emotional declarations matter more if you space them a little. Even in a short letter, you must create room. With love, there’s value in scarcity. That’s why it feels like such a jackpot.

Most of all, remember that it’s private.
Say something that surprises you about yourself. Let her know that she is redefining your terms. In this way most, a love letter is like love itself. There must be risk.

Get Your Antioxidants in the Morning

Coffee’s not only our morning wake-up call, it’s also the No. 1 source of antioxidants in our diets, outpacing even cranberries and red grapes. Mind you, cranberries, grapes, and other fruits and vegetables are much higher in antioxidants than coffee, but we don’t consume as much.

Skip the Lemon at a Restaurant

Never ask for lemon in a drink. Everybody touches them. Nobody washes them. We just peel the stickers off, cut them up, and throw them in your iced tea.
-Charity, Kansas City waitress

Our tip: Squeeze the lemon into your drink and then leave the rind on the cocktail napkin.

Are You Ironing Wrong? 8 Tips on Getting it Right

Donna Wallace, product manager for Rowenta Irons, a leading manufacturer of premium irons, offers these tips to achieve perfectly pressed clothes and linens:

1. Sort clothes according to temperature, working from coolest to hottest. Iron silks and synthetics on low to medium heat (approximately 350°F), wool on medium to high, and cotton and linens at high temperatures (400°F to 425°F). Since the right temperature is critical, let the iron sit for a few minutes after you have adjusted the controls.

2. Hang up or fold your garments immediately after ironing them.

3. Never use circular strokes — you can stretch the fabric. Iron lengthwise and eliminate wrinkles by blasting the area with steam.

4. When ironing large items, such as a tablecloth or curtains, set up two chairs next to the ironing board and fold the piece carefully onto the chairs as you work on it. You could also iron large items on a tabletop padded with a towel, provided that the table won’t be harmed by the steam or hot temperatures.

5. Iron sensitive fabrics with a pressing cloth — a clean cotton cloth, handkerchief, or napkin. Iron fabrics inside out to protect them from becoming singed or shiny.

6. If you must use an extension cord with your iron, use a 12-ampere cord. Lighter-weight cords could overheat, causing fires. Make sure that you arrange the cord so you won’t trip over it.

7. Press pleats starting from the bottom, working from the inside of the pleat to the outside. Set pleats with a shot of steam.

8. Let clothes sit for a few hours after you’re finished ironing to allow the creases to set.

Coffee: The Miracle Drug

When was the last time you heard a doctor use the word miracle? Well, wake up and smell the coffee: “It’s amazing,” says liver specialist Sanjiv Chopra, MD, professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. “Coffee is truly a lifesaving miracle drug.”

Though he says it’s still a “scientific mystery” how a simple cup of coffee works its wonders in the body, large epidemiological studies repeatedly verify its astonishing benefits. Some recent research highlights:

* More than three cups a day lowers women’s risk of developing the most common skin cancer by 20 percent.
* More than six cups a day cuts men’s risk of dying from prostate cancer by 60 percent.
* Drinking at least one cup of coffee a day lowers women’s risk of stroke by up to 25 percent.
* Consuming at least two cups daily reduces women’s chances of becoming depressed by up to 20 percent.

“Drink it black, or at most put a little skim milk in it” to minimize calories, Dr. Chopra recommends. The benefits from decaf may not be as prodigious, so stick with regular if you can tolerate the buzz. Dr. Chopra drinks at least four cups a day himself, though most people should limit themselves to two. And no, he jokes, “I’m not sponsored by Starbucks.”

Dr. Sanjiv Chopra is the author of Live Better, Live Longer: The New Studies That Reveal What’s Really Good — and Bad — for Your Health.

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